Big Game: How to Survive an Oski the Bear Attack

A life or death situation

By Sam Weyen | 11-19-2021 06:47 PM PT

Photo by Plagiarism

It's Big Game week and *shudders* he is coming.

From what ancient cesspool he convulsed, twitched, and flopped out--from what top secret Guantanamo isolation cell he slitheringly escaped--I cannot say.

But he is coming. And to Stanford Stadium no less. What will you do when faced with the pockmarked face of diseased putridity that is Kal's mascot Oski the Bear? We here at Channel Tree have got you covered, with an extensive not-at-all-wiki-how-esque survival guide for those who intend to attend this year's Big Game.

1. Be Prepared

Before you arrive to tailgate in Chuck Taylor Grove with your essentials (string lights, aged wine from decades before I was born, equity in 7 sure-fire Y-combinator start ups), be sure to pack some anti-Oski gear. No, no, not Bear Spray--this is not the Grand Tetons--instead, you'll need a copy of your Stanford acceptance letter and a shank, just in case.

2. Identify Safe Zones

Whether tailgating before the game, or enjoying an Immortal 21 chicken tender meal in your seat, an Oski encounter is always possible. Do not let your guard down! Instead identify one of several "safe zones" where Oski will never be found, such as literally any endzone or wherever the Stanford Band happens to be.

3. Do Not Engage

If you have the misfortunate of watching Oski slink by with his famous hands-behind-the-back methodical walk, do not engage. Back away slowly from the lumbering yellow cardigan zombie and move toward your nearest exit. If eye contact is made, take a deep breath of that fresh Palo Alto air and reach for your acceptance letter. Firmly tell Oski, "I GOT IN, SO YOU GET OUT!" This nifty phrase will remind Oski that he only went to UC Berkeley because he could not get into Stanford, a reminder that should swiftly deescalate the situation.

4. If Attacked, Fight Back

Unfortunately, Oski is notoriously capricious and will sometimes lash out in violence, that poor, pathetic fool. Have no fear, there are tactics to claim a swift if not ugly victory if this occurs! The best strategy is to resist the urge to swing a punch at this backpfeifengesicht personified and instead grab the nearest small child wearing a Kal shirt and offer the child up as sacrifice. Oski is notoriously partial to children (perhaps he enjoys their fear?) and will gladly abandon an attack if a child is successfully thrown betwixt you and the assailing bear-creature. If no Kal child is to be found (a small victory in that it implies fewer children are growing up brainwashed) then Kal-clad dog will suffice.

Under no circumstances should you yeet alcohol into the approaching bear's eyes--this will only make him stronger, as he regularly juices up via pupil before his lust-filled rampages.

If you follow these steps, you may make it out of Big Game unscathed, which is more than we can say about students who have to attend UC Berkeley every day for four years. Like, can you imagine? Were these tips helpful? Tell us in the comments (or via twitter) if we left one out. Until next time, BEAT KAL.

--Fear The Me.

TAGS: Channel Tree Oski Stanford Stadium Bear Kal asdfasa Chuck Taylor Grove UC Berkeley Stanford Stanford Band Bear Spray Big Game bear Kal-clad anti-Oski BEAT KAL
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